So here I am. Single again after 3 years and the most serious relationship I've had to date. I ended it but that hasn't been making it any easier. I ended it because it was a dead end relationship. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to get married and have kids. It was so hard to look at that man, and know that he wasn't the one that I was supposed to get married and have kids with. What followed was the lowest point I've ever experienced in my life. Like a fool I let him live with me for 2 months after breaking up with him. It was so difficult knowing that I still wanted him but had to move on. To see him, the source of my pain every day for 2 months knowing I couldn't move on while he was here, yet not really wanting him to leave. Even then I might have been ok but the day I finally put my foot down and forced him to move out, he moved in with his new girlfriend. In my head the two months that I suffered, truly suffered, because I thought I was giving him what he needed to get back on his feet. I feel so humiliated that all I was giving him was the time he needed to secure the next woman to support him. I can accept he moved on. I am moving on too. But I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the humiliation. At times the desperation to make the pain go away frightens me. I have done things out of pain, that with a clearer head made me feel ashamed. Humiliation and shame are not emotions I am use to and they are not a part of the person I want to be.
So why am I here pouring my soul out on an internet page that probably no one will read? I need this outlet. I am going to work through this. I will find the person I love and want to be again. I will remember that I am strong and complete on my own. I am back in the dating scene. Man I hate the dating scene. I want to chronicle my journey as I rediscover myself. I want to reflect on the people I meet and the things I come across. Because I need to share myself with someone and even if no one reads this, it's out there. Maybe someone will connect.
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