The pieces

I am broken
and I cannot remember how the pieces went together

I'm sure they once fit
why isn't it going back like I remember

So I pick up the pieces
and keep marching forward

Hoping that someday
I will remember how they go

Even when I think I'm fine
There's the voice in the back of my head reminding me I'm broken

Please say these pieces fit
Please say I can be whole again

The world wills see the cracks
What do I do then

What if they know I'm just a broke
shell of a person

Who smiles and acts
bubbly, so no one knows.

And no one does know
and this smile is killing me

What do I do with these pieces
of myself?

They once fit together
I know they did

Funny thing about walls

Here is what's happened. I met 2 great guys. I gave one to my friend H. They have a ton in common and have been really hitting it off. They both say it feels like they've known each other forever. The other is still in San Diego, that I know, he has a brain tumor. I really think he might be married or something and wont just break up with me the normal way. I really have no idea what is happening there. If he has a brain tumor I don't want to just turn my back on the guy or dump him. But something just isn't sitting right with me.

I feel like I"m a shell of myself. I can see the wall I put up around people grown every day. The funny thing about this wall is that more than keeping people out it's keeping me in. I feel like a shell of myself. I don't know how to just be myself anymore. I went swimming yesterday and couldn't even relax enough to enjoy myself with my friends. I feel so isolated. Lost. Confused. Alone. Hurt. Scared. Scarred. I don't know how to shake these feeling off and move on. So I'm barricading myself inside of me.

Sundays... not my favorite day of the week

I use to love Sundays. When you are in a relationship, it's great to sleep in and cuddle in bed. Wake up and make breakfast and generally just spend the day being close to one another. I find now it's the most difficult day of the week. Knowing that the time to go back to work is just around the corner coupled with doing nothing, or having nothing that you want to do is killer to me. I usually end up being a mess of myself on Sundays. I want a day to lay in bed and snuggle. I want slow kisses and tender embraces. Sundays always set me back a little.

So I've met 2 guys. Writer guy I'm totally hung up on. He's a successful fiction writer. Owns his own house. Is a dog lover and broke down my defenses pretty quickly. We've just had a hard time seeing each other. He lives like 45 minutes away and had car troubles shortly after we met. Now his in California working on snagging a pretty lucrative book deal. I'm so excited for him and want him to get this book deal, but he stuck around long enough to make me like him then left. He wants me to say that I'm his and that I'll wait for him, but I just can't do it. I really really want to say that to him but I can't.

So then there's IT guy. Very sweet guy. The kind of "nice guy" you know always finishes last. He makes really good money, is a dog lover as well and definitely available. I just wish I had met him first. I'm totally hung up on the writer and want to see if that goes somewhere.

I know, right, quite the problem to have. I went from one loser boyfriend to two really good catches. How does a girl pick? How do you know what the right move is for you? I'd usually say follow your "heart" or your "gut instincts" but I'm not sure if those things will lead me good places.

The humiliation

One of the many ways in which I was left feeling humiliated is the financial ruin I find myself in now. Today I met with a bankruptcy lawyer. I can't believe it's come down to this for me. I had such great credit and made such good decisions for so long and now this is my only way out. I can't believe I let being called pretty carry me this far. Never again. From here on out, the only person who can put their name next to mine can do so after he walks me down the aisle. I will be ok right? It will be alright if I lose my house wont it?

I have to believe that this is my way out. My way to really start fresh. To be completely rid of my past unhealthy relationship. When he moved out from me and in with the next girl, I though... "ah yes, that's because he likes emotionally needy women" and I fear I may have been that. But I"m not now. If the price of a guy making me feel pretty is financial ruin, I'm not willing to pay it ever again. I will pull myself up by my boot straps, square my shoulders and march proudly ahead. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but this too shall pass.

My life

So here I am. Single again after 3 years and the most serious relationship I've had to date. I ended it but that hasn't been making it any easier. I ended it because it was a dead end relationship. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to get married and have kids. It was so hard to look at that man, and know that he wasn't the one that I was supposed to get married and have kids with. What followed was the lowest point I've ever experienced in my life. Like a fool I let him live with me for 2 months after breaking up with him. It was so difficult knowing that I still wanted him but had to move on. To see him, the source of my pain every day for 2 months knowing I couldn't move on while he was here, yet not really wanting him to leave. Even then I might have been ok but the day I finally put my foot down and forced him to move out, he moved in with his new girlfriend. In my head the two months that I suffered, truly suffered, because I thought I was giving him what he needed to get back on his feet. I feel so humiliated that all I was giving him was the time he needed to secure the next woman to support him. I can accept he moved on. I am moving on too. But I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the humiliation. At times the desperation to make the pain go away frightens me. I have done things out of pain, that with a clearer head made me feel ashamed. Humiliation and shame are not emotions I am use to and they are not a part of the person I want to be.

So why am I here pouring my soul out on an internet page that probably no one will read? I need this outlet. I am going to work through this. I will find the person I love and want to be again. I will remember that I am strong and complete on my own. I am back in the dating scene. Man I hate the dating scene. I want to chronicle my journey as I rediscover myself. I want to reflect on the people I meet and the things I come across. Because I need to share myself with someone and even if no one reads this, it's out there. Maybe someone will connect.